COME HERE BOY....mmmmm dog!

Recipe for dog.....

Step 1: Tie the dog up. Lull it into a false sense of security and then begin to kick. Kick the flanks, legs, head and ass of the dog. Why?, you may ask. Well this is done to get the adrenaline coarsing through the muscle tissue for it is believed that the meat of a dog with adrenaline in it is far tastier and far more "good for your health". I quoted this because it seems that everything you eat here is "good for your health".....eat that camel penis! why? it's good for your health! Mmmkay!

Step 2: Put the beaten, but still alive dog into a bag and tie it up to a tree. Next grab yourself a handy flame and set the bag on fire. Now the fireworks begin.

Step 3: Cut the dog up and begin to cook.

Now I know you may be appalled but this is actually not the way in which they kill dogs nowadays. This is how they used to do it.
"Times are changing eh? what happened to the good old days when you could beat dogs and set them on fire... I tell you I don't like the way things are going"

All in all dog is actually a really tasty treat, and I say treat as it is actually quite expensive. It is actually really good for you when you are sick too.
All I can say is " One hot dog and a scoop of chips please"

New Year, New Start!

Well I've been in South Korea now for eight months just minding my business, grinding through the hours of work and making the most of my time that I have here. For those who are thinking of teaching abroad I would have to recommend it, especially in Korea for you get free accommodation, sweet money and it is not too expensive. Well just to fill in the gaps........I arrived back in London from Beijing around Easter, broke, sweaty and with grippers that hadn't been washed in well over a week. After sorting out my dags, cleaning my socks and brushing the hair I jumped back on a plane back over to Asia to start a fresh year of teaching......and here I am with four months left. So far I've eaten dog, checked out traditional villages, run up and down burial mounds known as Tumulus, checked out Loveland in Jeju Island and had some wild adventures in Seoul the capital....don't ask. With just a little time left I thought I'd start up the writing again in order to capture some daily things that I have learnt to take for granted. School children ooohing and ahhhing as you walk by and old Korean men yelling on the subway telling you to shut up when infact you are not the one speaking, but cause your white you are to blame...priceless, these are a few things I want to print on paper so as not to forget.....that and all the great things that were once amazing but now seem ordinary.

End of an era!

I checked my account balances and experienced a slight dull ache in my stomach. Hmm somehow I had managed to spend a lot more than expected and I still had to get my Russian visa which started to seem like an impossible feat. Every consulate I went to treated me like a sweaty arsehole and so in turn I decided to give the big finger to Russia although I do regret not being able to catch up with my great friend in Khabarovsk. On seeing my balance, having troubles with my visa and seeing that it would cost more to travel by train I decided to cut my losses and head to london by plane to see my parents again before heading back to Korea for work and paying back the credit man.....I hate the credit man so much. So now I am in London, chilling in my parents sweet pad, listening to Jimarouqui and chowing down on english food. Mmmmmm how much have I missed mashed spud and bangers eh??? So alas an era of travelling has come to an end and Mother F*cking Russia will just have to wait for now. I have heard that getting the Russian visa in Korea is a lot easier and so I will be able to make it some other time. It has been an incredible, life changing, personality growing, perception intigrating experience that shall forever remain within me. I feel like a better person on the whole and a lot more understanding of people and their behaviour's in response to situations and things in general. I recommend to all my friends to at least think of travelling so that they may gain a greater perception of the World in which they live......it's a great time and you drink a truck load of piss....can't complain with that!

HOLY MOLY!

There is one word to describe the man made back fence known as the GREAT WALL OF CHINA! It was a quiet friday morning. I woke up feeling drunk to the slight knock on the door which was my wake up call. I looked at the watch and realised I'd only had three hours sleep and on pulling back the covers I realised I was somehow naked in my dorm room. After quickly feeling the ground for my grippers I proceeded to hide my "lads" and get a shirt on. I went down stairs, had a coffee and a bun and then was led onto a bus which had the destination GREAT WALL scribbled along the side of it....sweet is the only thought that came to mind. I found myself sitting next to a rather attractive english lassy and after saying "hello" I hung my head against the window and dozed into the unknown realms of my subconscience. On waking, due to the bus stopping for petrol, I had a long, long, long pee and bought a bottle of water for my mouth which felt like what I describe as the fur you sometimes find on fern trees. I got talking to the english lass who turned out to be only 19 years of age and on her second rampage around Asia. I remember saying "crykey" and I apologised swiftly and told her that my brain wasn't functioning properly. Still I was rather impressed by her boldness. We arrived at the gate, bought a ticket, met an Irish lad named Rory and we proceeded up a path that would lead us to the base of the great wall. We finally arrived, hoisted our arses up the side of the great wall and peered into the distance. I was absolutely astounded by the fact that as far as my eyes could see, the great wall stretched. An incredible feat, that's for sure. We got our wits together, closed our gaping mouths, stretched our calves and then began our 10 km strut along the great wall.....sweet. Mattie B did a huge strut for at least 10 meters in memory of the lads back home whilst my two companions looked on with expressions saying 'are all Kiwi's this bloody weird?' We walked, stumbled, climbed and said no to "beer, coke, water" from local people selling on the wall itself. The sun drifted through the sky and four hours later we arrived at the end of our journey for a spot of lunch before being herded back onto the bus. We got back to base camp at 8pm with great satisfaction and great memories of acting like plonkers on the great wall. We grabbed a 700ml Tsingtao for 50 cents NZ and proceeded to get amped before heading into town. That night we drank red bull and vodkas, tsingtao and a few shots. I was dancing heavily on the dance floor and as always making a complete ass of myself....loving life. That morning, hmmmm not quite morning, I woke up at 5pm and yelled out " HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!!"

Beijing bruise!

It was thursday and a fine day for going for a strut through the city in search of traditional life. I walked the high streets and proceeded into the low streets. I saw some dudes skating in a square outside a church and saw one dude grind the church stairs and so I proceeded to check out their skills. I sat down on the stairs and said "G'day" to the guy sitting close by. After talking to him I found out that he was from Germany and despite his Mother had become a professional skater and was travelling the world with his skills. I was a sceptic at first but then he busted out forwards flips, impossibles, double kickflips, insane stuff that i'm not sure of the name and just plain cool moves. I was stoked and he did an impossible off a set of stairs and landed it flawlessly. I asked if he was thirsty and we proceeded to the nearest bar to wet the whistle with a local TSINGTAO beer. We got a beer each and chatted away whilst watching some footy. He finished up, paid for his beer and went back to church to continue skating. I stayed to finish my beer which I was quietly enjoying and nursing. On leaving a couple of local girls came up and said " do you mind if we sit here?", I replied " not at all, go for gold". I talked to them for five minutes and then continued watching the footy. They ordered some drinks and chatted away in chinese whilst I saw a guy score a marvellous goal. I finished my beer, stood up and proceeded to pay for the one beer. I got the bill and almost dropped a log in my pants. Roughly speaking it came to 200 NZD. I said " there must be a mistake mate, I only had one beer". He proceeded to tell me that I had to pay for the girls company and for the girls drinks which turned out to be the most expensive champagne on the list. I said " what the f*ck" and said I wasn't paying for it. He said I had to and so I said that I had no money on me so I needed to go to the cash machine. He told me to leave my wallet there. I told him " No way mate" and then he said " okay, but one of the girls will escort you to the machine". " No problem" I said. I got to the machine, withdrew a small amount of cash gave it to her and said " that's all and your lucky i'm giving you that much!". She said " you have to pay the rest". I told her to " F off" and started a light jog away from her. She tried to follow but on seeing this I put my long blessed legs into overdrive and created a large distance between the two of us in a matter of seconds. Four blocks of stealthy skirting, pretending to shop whilst looking for followers and trusting no one, I found my hostel and proceeded inside to talk to a nice young swedish girl who was studying in a different part of China. She told me that I did the right thing and that I was extremely lucky because normally a couple of big hairy gorillas escort you to the money machine. That night she took me out to some nice bars and we had a great time drinking Tsingtao and playing the local drinking game. I learnt my lesson and look back now with a grin because for a short period in my life I felt like Tom Cruise in the next mission impossible......if only I had had a gun.

Five star hotel!

Onwards from Shanghai with the destination of Beijing in mind. I boarded the train which was hissing and shreaking like an african wild animal and I was absolutely blown away by the standards being offered. The hall way was carpeted and warmly illuminated with soft glowing lights every few meters along. After squeezing my pack along a few meters i found my room which already had three other people inside who were busy pushing and prodding their belongings into the cubby holes to create some space in the little room containing four beds, a table and a window. After settling down and having a look around I noticed a little control panel. Turns out you could adjust the air con, adjust the light settings, adjust the heater, see when the toilets were occupied and use a bell to call an attendant. This was five star hotel stuff not to mention there were TWO PILLOWS to rest my fat head on.....sweet! I got talking to the other people in the room and we proceeded into the night playing cards. They were a great laugh and after eating my delivered free meal i decided to catch some sleep. I woke up with ten minutes before arriving in Beijing. I pulled my smelly jeans over my smelly grippers and pulled a shirt on although the young lady in the room "jokingly" told me to leave it off.......I told her anytime, anywhere gigidy gigidy and then proceeded into destiny! I jumped off the train fully loaded with my pack and strutted smoothly beside the hurrying croud in the direction of the exit. Found my way into the fresh outside smog and jumped on the metro. I got off the metro climbed some stairs and found myself in a little square surrounded by sky scrapers. I felt a sweet sensation of partying crawl up my spine and sped my long lanky legs up to find the cheapest hostel in town. I found it after some difficulty and after talking to a man who told me where to go, along with trying to sell me great wall trips, forbidden city tours and general city tours.....cheers mate! I checked in, dropped my bags and headed out into the streets of the capital.

Upwards and onwards! Did I mention opium???

Yesterday I went in search of my Russian visa by visiting several travel agencies and the Russian consulate. All the travel agencies told me that they only do visas for chinese folk (racists) and the Russian consulate told me to come back tomorrow which I did to find it closed......I think they see the hair and automatically respond with a "NO" to any query...am I really that ugly sheesh! So I have decided to boot it to Beijing where it is cheaper to sleep and there are more sights to see such as the GREAT WALL and the LOST CITY which can't be too lost because a lot of people seem to find it easily enough. Also after talking to an English chap who likes his footy and bashing cars when his footy team loses told me that he got his visas in Beijing with no troubles. It will be a 12 hour train ride which leaves Shanghai at 7pm and arrives in the morning. It should be a good fast trip if I don't get a seat next to a fat guy who likes to snore. Shanghai has been a great experience if only for a short amount of time. The people here have been really friendly and as always very fascinated with a real live wooki walking down the street. There have been some downers though including an old lady who followed me for 2 blocks begging me for money and grabbing me. I eventually gave her 5 RMB (1 NZD) just to get her to piss off and leave me alone. I do hand it to her for persistance though. Another old lady managed to smear grease and try to shine my shoes as I walked. She eventually gave up after I quickened my pace and showed no signs of stopping. Last night I got on the polite piss with the Korean lad and lassies and had a great time drinking Tsingtao beer and smoking....sorry Mum but they were literally forcing them between my lips! Oh yeah and while we are on the case of being a bad boy, I found out last night that I accidentally tried opium without even knowing it. It all began in Hanoi whilst walking the back streets. I saw some dudes shooting billiards so I decided to join in. They offered me a cup of tea which I politely accepted and drank. I then got a few beers and was surprised with how quickly I was getting drunk. I blamed the reason on not eating lunch. Well after talking to the Korean lad yesterday and after the description of the tea I gave to him, he said that I'd just participated in an Opium dwelling. Hmmmmmm well that was a shock...ah well I'm still alive and awake so no biggy but it's definately a wake up call. It seems that whilst travelling I am getting a lot of wake up calls, I wonder when I'll actually pay attention and be able to turn off the alarm and get outta bed. Probably never because as they say "you keep learning until the day you die". It was a great night though and Shanghai has provided some spectacular views and stunning fashion. It makes me want to sharpen up and stop looking like a piece of toilet wall scum....oh yeah you need copious amounts of money for that to happen...ah well stubbies, jandals, a wife beater, and L&P will just have to do for now. Bring on BEIJING BABY!!! Oh yeah did I mention that the metro here costs 50 NZ cents to go anywhere....London you can kiss my ass with your 4-5 pound metro!

Super, sexy, swarvy, swinging, sultry, saxophone, SHANGHAI!!!!!

My first train ride in Asia and boy, what a dozee! I spent 36 hours cramped in a little sleeper trying to teach english and learn as much mandarin as possible with the lady sitting opposite me. It was good times and at one stage I was the star of the carriage with a whole huddle of chinese people around me glancing at my pictures of teaching in Korea and then patting my head saying how tall I was. It was all fun and games until an old man started saying something in mandarin that got the crowd amped...he probably thought I was American. I quietly returned to my sleeper and pretended to sleep. The man below me had an abnormal snore which kept the cabin awake till the early hours and it didn't help that he enjoyed sleep talking as well.....at one point I swear I heard him speak english! A couple beside me got told off for gambling against each other and a dude down the end of the carriage had a good ol fashioned hurl over the floor....nice one ya douche, next time get to the toilet in time. I woke up on my first night on the train and scurried to the toilet as fast as I could and almost didn't make it! It's been a week of pooing water....badabababa I loving it! Thank the heavens that toilet paper is cheap here! In total I spent two nights on the train and had a good look at the countryside....all I can say is RICE!!!! Heres a small clip you should check out to understand the finer details of Asian culture.....http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/asianpride.htm. Well I arrived in Shanghai, said goodbye to all my fans and gave them all a big toothy grin before jumping on the metro. I got of at where I thought was a guesthouse and proceeded to find it. I looked high and low for it and it started to rain.....arse! I finally found it and all that was left was an empty lot with a few bulldozers rumaging around in side........spanked arse! I jumped back on the metro and finally found a place called, wait for it.....CAPTAIN HOSTELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! I checked in for 70 RMB which is around 12 NZD and met a as always friendly group of Koreans who took me for breakfast. I think the plan for the rest of the day is to hunt down soju, this was discussed during breaky.....wish me luck! Oh yeah theres a bar here called KIWI BAR!!! I know where I'll be tonight for at least a few!

Going Han Solo!

This morning I got in contact with my friend Chris who I was initially travelling with. The plan was to meet back up in China, most likely Nanning and share adventures and continue travelling together upwards through China. After a brief discussion I learnt that he has become stuck in Vietnam and can't leave for 2 to possibly 10 weeks while he is issued a new passport. Unfortuanately on entering vietnam, the two entry stamps took up the last two pages of his passport and so there was no where for his Vietnam departure stamps or his Chinese entry stamps. I cannot afford to hang around that long in limbo waiting for him so I have taken it upon myself to keep trucking along Han SOLO stylez. I booked a train ticket to Shanghai for this evening. It takes 31 hours to get there and I apparantly have a cosy little bed to squish into. Purchasing this little slip of paper was almost as hard and frustrating as trying to lift a truck! First off I waited in line for half an hour in 30 degree heat to get to the ticket window. Sweaty and impatient I proceeded to communicate as best as I could that I wanted to go to either Changsha or Shanghai. The response I got went like this: "No..........no...........no...........no..........no" and nothing else. This totally pissed me off! I said "thankyou" in a rough tone and she replied "No". If there wasn't glass between us it would have been all on. I under my breath said "f*ck this sh*t" and walked out of the train station and trudged with my backpack back to the hotel to see if they could help me out. Whilst badly communicating and having a good laugh with the receptionist a friendly chap came up to me and said "can I help?" I replied "for sure". He then told me that his Mum was going on a train to Shanghai this evening at 19:45 from the train station. He hooked me up with the details in both English and Chinese and sent me on my way once again smiling! Back to the ticket window I slammed the piece of paper up against the window and after many "No, no , no's" I finally got the ticket. All I can say is that there are complete dickheads everywhere that always let down the rest. I hope I'm not a NZ dickhead......maybe I just look like one!

Cut-throat shave!!!!

Well in Hanoi I was walking around and I saw a vietnamese chap shaving chops and heads alike. I thought "why not?" and sat down in the chair all prepared to get shaven. He pulled out a cut-throat razor and a flicker of fear ran down my spine. He began lathering me up and I relaxed a little. Sching sching went the blade and I'll tell you something!!!! It is not a painless experience, it hurt a lot. He finished up and I looked in the mirror. I had shaven chops and mo, but on my neck little red speckles of blood started to appear. Five minutes later and after pressing my neck with toilet paper I walked away with a sore throat.......I guess that's why they call it the cut- throat razor of impending DOOM!!!!! A valuable experience and one that I have learnt from. LESSON: Shave your own face.....you know the way your grain runs and no one else does. Sweet!

GOOD NIGHT VIETNAM!

Well yesterday (27th March) I headed from Hanoi in search of Nanning China. I amped myself up for a rustic crappy bus and was overwhelmed when I boarded a cruiser bus which had soft seats, air con , leg room and good tunes cranking all the way. A 10 hour bus ride felt like 10 minutes. I soaked in the countryside and enjoyed the views until I came to the border. I checked through the border where the passpot control officer gave me suspicious grief for no reason before finally saying "okay" and nothing else.....twat! (He's just jealous because he can't have long hair whilst in the military.....sucker....no ladies for you!). Back on the bus and 5 hours later I arrived in the so-far, so-good city of Nanning. I checked into a hotel opposite the train station which has been recommended by the lonely planet. It is the cheapest place in town. For 6 NZ dollars you get a double bed, TV, a fan, clean sheets, clean pillow, tea and coffee, and lights......SWEET! Last night I as always went for a wander around the streets. I came across people singing Karaoke in the park and people practicing their ballroom dancing moves beside them. Onwards I bought a piece of sugarcane and chewed away happily whilst I strutted with my chest out and zipper down.....DOH!!! After zipping back up and a few hundred metres down the main drag I saw a bar and like a fly headed towards the bright light. It turned out to be a guitar bar. I sat down and started a beer but before I finished the bar manager sat down with me and started playing yahtzee with me. It is a great drinking game I discovered and she was really good at it. We got talking about things and then the night faded into the morning and it was time to call it quits. I wandered outside and quickly realized I was lost.....damn. I took a slash on a power pole down an alley and then proceeded in the "right direction". After a while I knew it was hopeless so I asked a friendly chinese chap using sign language and "CHOO CHOO" noises where the train station was. He then told his girlfriend to get off the back of his scooter and wait. He gestured for me to get on the back and I pointed to his girlfriend with a questioning look that I hope sent the message "what about her?". He said something in mandarin and pulled me on the back........get in that kitchen and cook me some eggs flashed through my mind.We drifted into the night and eventually pulled up beside my hotel. "Shee shee" I said, and he said "no problem". I hope his girlfriend was okay!! What a great fellow though! These people just keep getting better and better!

Hanoi Hooray!!!!

After my gruelling bus ride I signed up at the little hanoi hotel which cost 3 USD a night. I got myself showered and found the time to be 8pm. I thought to myself "mmmkay buddy let's do it". I grabbed my wallet and passport and headed out the door. Into the street I walked where I was greeted with the sound of a thousand scooter engines gunning it and a thousand scooter horns beeping as if having conversations with each other. Crossing the street was an adventure in itself where you have to slowly but surely push your way though the carnage whilst hoping you don't get smoked! I grabbed a sandy and headed for a green light in the distance which slowly became more defined and took shape as a JAZZ CLUB! I sat down at the bar, ordered a local beer and started up a conversation with a Dutch lad who sat down next to me. He'd been in Hanoi for around three months and knew his way around. I managed to persuade him that sunday didn't matter and that life is meant to be lived in the present and so we headed off on a pub crawl into the early morning. We ended up in a "NIGHTCLUB" which played super sweet dance music. Drawback: I was overwhelmed by all the hot ladies in the club and all the ugly guys that were doing so well with them.......hmmmm. Suddenly a girl came up to me, said nothing and sat in my crotch. "Do you wanna 'f*** me in my hotel" she said. "Only 50 USD". Well I imagine the look on my face was priceless. I politely said no thanks and proceeded to the nearest exit. I jumped on the back of a motorbike known as a motorbike taxi and went back to my hotel. It was a great night but sullied by the last event. One drawback in SE Asia is that prostitution is in such high demand from ugly, fat, balding, old white trash that it is a huge industry and so you can find yourself being constantly harrassed for a "good time" whilst out on the town. Apart from this though SE Asia is an amazing place.

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laos summary
Well I headed from Laos to Hanoi Vietnam by bus on March the 23rd! Heres a quick summary of my stay in Laos: I saw a dude get thrown out of the back of a pickup as it went round the corner too sharply because the driver was pissed (he was certainly dazed and confused after that), i've seen a family cooking their dinner on an open fire next to petrol tankers (smart lads), i've seen kids with the biggest teethy grins imaginable, BEER LAO, family life, teen life, life being totally smashed with the locals, buddha, temples and more temples, beautiful landscape, beautiful people and i've seen a glimpse into what life is truly all about. All in all Laos was an unbelieve experience that shalln't be forgotten easily.
Bussing it to Hanoi
All excited and ready for a 10 hour bus trip I boarded the little rascal of a tin can called a bus. Let me describe this bus to you in detail. For starters this particular bus ride is recommended against by the lonely planet but it was the only way. The bus: Take a kiwi school bus, put boxes with rice, meat, veges and stuff to seat height down the aisles. Take as many people as possible and squeeze em all in there. Windows that don't quite open properly and no air con and 28 degrees outside. Take the back seat which has the engine underneath and sit Mattie B there. Okay now you have a glimpse into the horror. Once the engine got cranking the radiator heat was directed towards my buttocks! I have never sweat so much in my life. I said to the polite canadian girls beside me "I can handle this for 10 hours" and then they politely replied "you mean 24 hours right?". WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? Yeap that's right, 24 hours of sweating my ringpiece out. Well we turned up at the border at 3 in the morning and had to wait until 7 until it opened. I got my visa checked and then it was back on the bus. WELCOME TO VIETNAM! Another 12 hours later I arrived in Hanoi with sticky butt checks, ultra yellow dehydrated urine, and eyes so dry it hurt to blink......I totally recommend it for the adventure........only the tough survive!!!!

The truth is out there.

Last night during the ten hour bus ride back to Vientiane from Laungprabang I met a really cool French dude called Mehdi. We got to talking about politics, religion and the future for mankind......yeap it was well overdue for one of those discussions. Whilst discussing religion we came to this conclusion:
Religion is the "truth", whereas science is discovering the "truth".
This is why some religious people cannot admit that there are mistakes and contradictions in their religion because how can their religion which is the "truth" have errors in it.
Science on the otherhand doesn't know the "truth" so it is continually evolving to accept knew theories in order to expand and explain the forever changing world and it's beginnings.
This is why I personally enjoy science as opposed to religion.
Whilst on the subject I also came to the conclusion that maybe "GOD" is not a superior figure or force but instead the simplest thing in the universe. If you take the theory of evolution, life progressively gets simpler as we proceed back to the beginning......would this rule not also apply to the beginning of the universe? So indeed we have been searching for something "bigger and more powerful" than us but really maybe the answer is much more simpler than expected.
Think about this and I'd love to hear your comments, afterall you learn by communicating with one another! Philospher Mattie B signing out.

Buddha and his mighty temples.

Today I went for a true look around as I will head off tomorrow in search of Vietnam. I was utterly awe struck by the beautiful temples and shrines. The detail of the temples is mind blowing and you do get a pure feeling of being rather insignificant when in their presence. I stumbled from road to road and from temple to temple, smiling and "sabadee"ing as I went. I was pulled in off the street to taste some cooked coconut jelly from a coconut leaf and reeled in to play a game of "arsehole" (a card game) with some young lads who had just finished school.......I whooped their asses (not literally).......whose the man!!! I'm the man!!!!! YEAH BABY!!!!! I sat down and chatted to some monks who were very pleasent and friendly. I somehow got talking to them about how hot lao girls are.....good one Matt ya sack! They started it though and who can blame them.....they are hot! Up and on my way I cruised up some stairs which led to another temple and a cave. I spotted lizards everywhere and paid my respects to Buddha for putting them there. I then had a mosy at buddha's footprints that were fossilised in a piece of rock and then proceeded to grab a coke. It's only a few hours till dinner time with my family away from home so I best go shower and pretty myself up. Stay tuned till next time for the next episode of MATT"S A SPOON!

Laungprabang......what a beautiful place!

Two days ago I arrived in Laungprabang at 11 o'clock at night. I jumped on the back of a little motorbike and I was driven to a hostel by a Lao dude who thought it was fun to go super fast down the main drag, in and out of traffic, through red lights and redline the engine. All this with my super big backpack on my back. It was great fun but I couldn't sleep for an hour due to the copious amounts of adrenaline pumping through my system. Yesterday I went for a bit of a nosey around the joint. I didn't get too far though as I spotted some dudes playing petanque and drinking beer lao. I was pulled into the group which turned out to be a family slacking off work because the boss was away..........sweet! Four hours later I was sent on my way with a beer lao in my hand and an invitation for dinner tonight. I decided to stumble back home but I didn't get too far. I spotted a dude playing guitar and so I joined the lao lads and sung heartily for a couple of hours.........they only knew Robbie Williams and Ronin Keating!!!! It was a good laugh trying to hit the high notes. After saying goodbye and stumbling out of the shack, I hit the road home. I didn't get to far though because I spotted some more lao lads playing on a guitar and a lao chick making cakes.....sweet! Our voices swam on the morning air as the sun came ever closer to rising. I left when I knew I couldn't sing true anymore due to too much slurring. On leaving I recieved an invitation for the lao girls birthday party tonight. These people are awesome. If I can become half as accomodating and welcoming as these beautiful people I think I will be a respectible man. We'll see how I get on juggling these invites.

Dreadlock escape!

Reasons why I couldn't handle the dreadlocks:

1) The dreadlocks seemed to create a very thick barrier that not only kept in the heat but also attracted heat. This is not ideal in this sort of weather and I started to get frustrated with my hot head.

2) I don't know how to look after dreadlocks so they started to unravel and look rather awful after only one week of having them.

3) I heard somewhere along the way that you aren't supposed to wash them. I started to smell and no girls wanted to talk to me, actually that happens all the time...sigh.

4) I kept having to apologise to vegetarians and rastas that seemed to think I was one of them all the time.

5) I was continously harrassed by the locals to purchase some of their ganja.

6) It seemed that whenever I sat down in a local bar they put on Bob Marley.

7) and last but not least.....I looked like a spoon.

All in all though, having dreadlocks was a great experience if only for a short period of time. It was fun but at times painful when having them done and it was fun but at times painful having them undone. I managed to pick them out with a tooth pick over a period of 4 hours. Good times.

Conquering routes!

Rock climbing.....a mixture of pain, adrenaline, skinned knuckles, cramping muscles, groaning, determination, wetting ones self, performing "THE ELVIS", hoots, and pride after conquering a slab of rock. All in all it's quite similar to making love in a way....minus the wetting ones self.....unless your into that kind of thing! Today Gabrielle and myself managed to surface at 9:00 in the morning and proceed into town to hire some rock climbing equipment. Chris and Tim were mangled and refused to answer their doors. So the deadly duo set off and hired some gear. Gabrielle's "lady friend" named Tik (a very sweet girl), drove us down to the river. I crossed paths with a snake as we walked towards the beach. That surely got the adrenaline surge cranking, an ideal state for rock climbing. We crossed the river on a tiny, shady piece of wood that was somehow said to be a boat. Up some bamboo stairs and into the jungle we stalked in search of our prey. There it stood, a great slab of limestone with grades of all sorts waiting to be "CONQUERED" by Mattie B. The day was spent ascending some easy grades to start with and was wrapped up by ascending some gruelling overhangs. I managed to get my bony butt up an overhang which turned out to be a grade 24/25. I was super stoked. Gabrielle ascended a mad overhang with pure determination and brutal power! The grade was 7a which I hear is pretty fantastic. I knew I couldn't compete so I called it quits and got my lips around a beer lao to finish the day on. During climbing I found a snake that was black with yellow stripings. It didn't move and so thinking it was dead, i picked it up and stroked it. You guessed it, the little fella started moving in my hands. I quickly and gently (yeah right) put it on the ground and with grace departed from the area. A beer and many hours sleep is on the cards for the remainder of the night. Peace.

TUBETASTIC BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a fine thursday morning. A trio consisting of Mattie B, Chris the penis and Gabrielle the doctor strutted down the street towards the adventure guide store. "Three tubes baby" I said. A few minutes later we were piled in a tuk tuk and were cruising down the main drag....... if you can call it that, more like a bit of road in between holes. Into the river with shouts and hoots the tubes were hurled and accordingly our bodies took to the warm tropical water. Well two minutes later and around one hundred metres of floating we were pulled onto a stage made of bamboo and got handed a beer lao and a cup of nasty local whisky called "LAO LAO". This whisky tastes like arse mixed with sweaty butt cheeks! Anyway after downing the lot I managed to grab some courage from somewhere (probably the Lao Lao) and proceeded up the bamboo ramp towards the jumping platform. "Backwards flip fellas" I said. A few seconds later i landed in the river full speed but to my surprise I had made it. Not bad for a six metre drop. I then got super cocky.....damn that lao lao, and i climbed back up the ramp."Backwards aerial fellas" I said. BOOOOOOOYAAAAAA!!!! I landed on my side and felt a surge of pain hit my senses! I surfaced with a sore face, sore testicles and a sore ear which hasn't come right yet. Well that was enough of that and so we proceeded on down the river. Yeap, you guessed it. A hundred metres down the river we somehow were on another platform with Lao Lao in our hands......hmmmmm, damn these Laoisians and there passion for nasty whisky! A few hours and many intense conversations about microbiology with my good mate Gabrielle, the trio set forth onto the mild waters once again. The sun rapidly dissolved into the range of cliffs behind us and we found ourselves floating on a river, in a tube, in blackness....no need for panic boys!!!! We quickly paddled to the side and caught a tuk tuk back into town. For a whole days worth of floating we managed to make it about 500 metres down the river, good effort boys........twats! Was a memorable day and a great blast!

Motorbike adventures!

Two wheels, one engine, one seat, four gears, an accelerator, a brake and of course a horn. This is what the motorbike/scooters are composed of in this beautiful country. Yes you know it I'm still in the chill capital of the world; Laos! It is now friday and it has been a while since my last entry! Two days ago it was the big wednesday. After waking up and getting some chow I hired a motorbike and took to the streets. At first I had trouble driving on the other side of the road and I definately almost bailed numerous times due to there being no centre line on the roads. Cars come full noise straight towards you and because they are bigger, they just beep there horns and force you to rapidly bail to the side or end up as squished smelly road kill...hmmmm so now I know what it's like to be a hedgehog! Well I proceeded into the horizon and took a dirt/stone road towards the cliffs that loomed threatingly overhead. After a few minutes I was pulled up next to a mighty river where cliffs lingered. A quick dip later it was back on the road where I finally arrived at a look out spot on the river. There I met a great French girl who was fascinating to talk to. We all had a beer lao of course and proceeded to cross a bridge constructed from bamboo into the jungle. I thought to myself "it's time to test these little bad boy scooters" and so I proceeded off road and took full flight off jumps (small hills) and bottomed out upon landing again. Was great to see some mud all up the side of these untested scooters. Well after exploring the many trekking paths in the jungle and running over the locals I gave back my scooter and proceeded to melt into the distance as they examined it. They still have my drivers license......bugger! All in all what a fab day!

Beautiful chilled Laos.

Last night I caught the twelve hour bus from Bangkok through to Vientiane in Laos. To start the bus journey off, Lord of war came on. It had a great opening scene but then steadily faded. We met some english fellows on the bus who were a bunch of laughs, coming up with uncanny and unpredictable comments every few seconds. We arrived in Laos at 9am in the morning and we got our visas and passports checked at the border. I later learned that the bridge that we crossed over the Mekong river with was built by bloody aussies.....I was certain that it was going to collapse as our bus went over it. We managed to arrive safely although I smelt like a sweaty sack of dog faeces due to not showering for two days in thirty degree heat, whilst sweating buckets consistently. So far Laos seems like a great place. It is a lot more chilled than Bangkok which is refreshing. There are only so many times that you can tell a lady trying to sell you a wooden frog that "No, I really don't want a crappy wooden frog"........they stand there though and then push the frog closer towards you with a big cheesy grin! I swear that I would've snapped and berserked if I hadn't come to Laos when I have. Just to get an idea of just how chilled Laos is, here is what has happened so far....... I arrived and found a hostel for 5 us dollars for the night. It is a nice room with clean sheets. We then had some delicious food and then checked out some temples. In the space of a few hours however, I have been offered weed and "something else" a handful of times...........there's only one word to describe it.........."Chilled". The plan for the rest of the day is to take some pics and hire a motorbike to go for a geezer around the place on. It'll be a blast to get back on a bike again.

The BEARD strikes back!

Heres the latest update to the hideous beard that is taking shape on my sweet angel face. Enjoy!

A snipet from travelingchris.com!

Heres a quality piece of writing from www.travelingchris.com that pretty much sums up my stay in Thailand. Am I that readable?

I also get a good and empathetic laugh watching Matt get excited and positively overwhelmed by all the perverted t-shirt slogans, beautiful women, beautiful transsexuals, hideous transsexuals, smells of fermented prawns, smells of dog shit with red curry and the affects of Thai Redbull with cheap rum.

Cheers my canadian budday!!!!!

Bangkok bruises!

Whilst sitting in an internet cafe, Chris and a good english fellow who likes his tea and wellies rolled on in next to me. After a brief discussion I learnt that Kyle (englishman) went home with a thai lady last night and on waking up found that she was gone along with his passport, all of his important identity papers and all of his money. We are now helping him out. He is a really cool guy though and he is taking it on the chin like a trooper. It is definately an important wake up call for us all though. It's just too easy to get carried away with the partying and then let your guard down. It seems that as soon as you drop your barriers in this place you get stung and then stung again. He'll be alright though as I'm sure this happens everyday to poor unsuspecting tourists. Luckily enough it hasn't happened to me.................yet. From what I hear it's just a matter of time before you get a Bangkok bruise.

Hold that thought!

Ahhhhhhhh, it's now sunday and I'm still in Bangkok! Holy Moly where has the time gone. During friday when we were supposed to leave for Thailand we met up with some friends who we had partied it up with the night before........we decided to stay one more night so that we could chill out and party with them again. On saturday we were about to catch the bus when to our shock we spotted Tim of all people rolling up the road checking out stalls. "Cancel the ticket please" is how it went I think and so last night we partied it up with Tim. To my absolute horror I have finally woken up with a hangover!!! Oh no! Well it's set in concrete today though, we are definately heading out towards Laos. We have got plans now to float down a river on a tube for a week. The stories say that they have ropes in the river that you pull yourself in on to get rehydrated and to get a feed and a beer. It should be a blast. Well this is all I can manage for today, bring on the water!

Laos and beyond!

Tomorrow is a new day and with it are fresh new beginnings. I've experienced delicious food such as fried rice with basil, got myself dreadlocks, said "NO" to bargainers and tuk tuk drivers, declined a ping pong show (I'm not lying.....why don't you believe me?), run away from lady boys, bought a cheap pair of sunnies and partied it up with the locals. One regret is that I didn't make it to a Muai Thai kickboxing match due to the cost of seats being to expensive for the budget that I need to stick to. I'm sure i'll come back though and catch one then. Laos is the next destination on the cards and I've heard that it is a relaxed Thailand which i'm looking forward to. The plan is to hire a motorbike each and tour the countryside.....this is all depending on the cost. I will leave Thailand tomorrow at 8pm and arrive in Laos at 9am. I have a sketch book, a Bruce Lee book and a vivid imagination so let's see how I get on. I think I can learn Kung Fu in 12 hours................

Dreadlock holiday!

Well, well, well....Yes you guessed it! I have now officially got massive respectin' rasta dreadlocks! Intense! This has been a manic day with an intense finish.

Thailand Dreadlock Holiday!
I was walking down the street,
concentrating on trucking right,
I saw a dreadlock stand in front of me,
and I knew it wasn't right....
She said I like you,
I want you,
sit your white ass down,
and if you want it,
it's yours,
for only 600 baht,
your aloneeeeeeeeeewowowowo,
a long way from homeeee wowowowo,
and I said,
I don't like Thailand ah,
Oh No!
I LOVE IT!!!
Dreadlock holiday!

During After

No hangover!

WOW!!!! I woke up this morning and to my surprise I didn't have a hangover. After a night out drinking literally buckets of alcohol I thought I was in for it the next day but for some reason I dodged judgement! Yesterday we began the day by going for a bit of a walk around the place and we checked out numerous stands selling everything from Bruce Lee t-shirts to lady-boy tazers! I bought myself a pair of Ray Ban aviators for the expensive price of 250 baht and had some tasty treats from food stalls. Chris and I then decided it was due time for a beer and so we made our way to the trusty tavern known as Gullivers! After a few tigers and a few games of pool we decided to head out for some dinner. Two pork sticks later we ended up in a strange place drinking a bucket of liquid composed of local thai whiskey called Sang Son, red bull, and coke! Well a few of them later I was well on my way to going home with a ladyboy. We met a crazy english guy who was partying it up beside us by himself, so a little time later the deadly threesome took to the street in search of another stand selling buckets. We found this cool place which was a van converted into a bar. The barman got the orders and dived into action whilst a strange thai dude beside me pulled out a gadget that he called "a bomb" and ""jokingly"" started to place it on my leg......hmmm strange humour they have here. Well after a brief discussion of why I wanted to keep my leg we took a seat and you know it, of all the people in thailand a huge ladyboy sat down beside us. A few bright remarks later we left and headed back to Khao san road. We found another stall and there is where we met some beautiful thai ladies who were in fact ladies.......HOORAY! We proceeded into the evening with laughter and hiccups. All in all it was a great night out and an even better morning with no hangover.

LADY BOYS FOR ALL!!!!

I arrived in Bangkok at 1230am last night. I jumped in a taxi and gotten driven at super speeds to Khao San where I was informed by Chris that hostels are as numerous as lady-boys. I got dropped off and proceeded into the heart of Khao San road. The first westerners I saw were Australian and walked past me saying "let's go see a pingpong show".....typical bloody aussies aye! Anyway I managed to find a shady little hostel where I paid 140 baht and got provided with a bed and four walls.....not bad for 6NZ dollars. I had a few beers and proceeded into the streets to grab a bite to eat.......five minutes later a lady boy approached. At first I didn't know she was a he because "it" was rather attractive. Then "it" spoke! What the! is all that I could think of. It then grabbed me and started pulling me into an alley saying "why not?, why not?, cheap!" I politely said "no thanks"....(yeah right) and walked in a hurried pace back to my hostel where I ate my chicken in a state of shock! All in all though it was an interesting experience! They sure do look like ladies though! To all those reading this, get over to Thailand! This place rocks out!

Return of the BEARD!!!!!

Today is the starting day for the "RETURN OF THE BEARD". I have taken an oath of manhood to see how masculine I can get my face to look by throwing away the shaver and shaving foam. I expect ot see a good ol fashioned barbaric beard by the end of travelling.......don't worry i'll keep you updated as time progresses! Phew! No boogers!